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Humpfest is a journey and when undertaking such an expedition one must be prepared. Many scrupulous hours have gone into the search for the ideal amount of clothing. With changing seasons of course this may vary. In all our Basic Humping Survival Tests (BHST) we find that our native land (Canada, eh?) humping in the heart of the winter can prove ultimately lethal. Yes we lost three Basic Humping Survival Test Pupils (BHSTP) to our ruthless winter conditions. Our prayers are with them, their families and their friends. Their pains were not in vain. After discovering the frozen vestiges of our Basic Humping Survival Test Pupil Friends (BHSTPF) we were charged with conviction. Their loss of life gave us new reserves of intellect and resilience that we had not yet discovered. After 4 winters, bearing un-imaginable cold, ice, snow and other horrendous abominations of god, our results came in. The Basic Humping Survival Test Long Awaited Results (BHSTLAR) are seen below and to be shown to everyone at no cost to you! Every person should roam free with a camera and knowledge of how to hump in the arctic tundra we know as home. We only ask that you respect the BHST so that all of our BHSTPF did not die needlessly for the BHSTLAR. All residents of warm climates please disregard previous and just look at the witty photos.
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Our model is sporting a contemporary look with just a touch of home-style warmth. The Pleather jacket courtesy Zellers (at a very reasonable price) give that nice hint of style yet ghetto rebelistic maniacism. The light grey stripe adds a touch of danger saying, "Hey you, I don't have to wear all dark colors. I got a freakin' light grey stripe. Eat that. Bitch." Casing our dear model's hands we have a tri-finger style of Kombi gloves giving him the added comfort when setting up for any hump in any weather. Although we do highly recommend it for your safety and those you are with the toque is optional. Please note though; frost-bitten ears don't prove you to be more of a man/woman and may only slow down your true abilities. It is very important to wear a wide leg or easy fit pair of jeans. We find that the loose structure of said denim provides excellent response to pelvic movements. Tight fitting "western" style jeans restrict all motional abilities of the below waist areas and making humping nearly impossible. With this fact it is known that all Hicks and Nerds are not capable of humps, this is referred to as our "Hick and Nerd can't hump with tight ass pants filter." Sorry hicks and nerds, but your humps suck anyway. Cotton socks are also recommended, lets face it, who the hell wears wool ones by choice. So if you want to hump like our model. Dress like him. |
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Shoes.
Dear lord citizens your shoes matter more than anyone could possibly
fathom. When humping I always find myself in my Caterpillar™ shoes.
The comfort, luxury, style and warm alone make them well worth any price
you can find on eBay. No I am not advertising for Caterpillar™
to obtain any personal gains. Caterpillar™ does not pay me to mention
their name. I simply find Caterpillar™ make very good shoes. Caterpillar™
shoes can be found in many local shoe stores for a pricey, but very
level-headed cost when considering quality and at Caterpillar™
its all about quality. (Caterpillar™ if you would like to send
me free shoes please email me
for my address)
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Overdressing can be a problem as well. Take a simple scarf for example, a nice additive to your neck keeping it nice and warm. All the sudden you hump a set of bleachers get hung snap your neck and bam, you're dead. Work gloves, although thick and very protective, we find may ruin the chance of finding the perfect hold for your next photo. A certain touch is needed, sensitivity to the moment. Work gloves are the extra thick condom that you just don't need in that moment. As the photograph also describes, you cant scamper quicker then an flabby 6 year old stout child when you have 12 pairs of pants on. Lighter clothing adds stealth and swiftness, very constructive implements when committing acts of hump. (Fur pants are not for sale, although for a fee you may pet them as I wear them.) |
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